


What Could have Been

by Deathwonderwish



Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, F/M, Memory Loss, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:21:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27695491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deathwonderwish/pseuds/Deathwonderwish
Summary: They both had to wake up from the dream life they created and walk into reality. Because they were never meant to be together in the first place.
Relationships: Hitsugaya Toushirou/Kurosaki Karin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	What Could have Been

**Author's Note:**

> I know I should be posting my long fic. But there is a Hitsukarin ship week in a Bleach discord server. So I thought I'd post this one-shot I wrote a while ago. I was supposed to post this on Hitsukarin day, I don't know why I didn't. But here it is. 
> 
> Anyways this is heavily inspired by a Fruit Basket episode. I wrote this when I was watching that anime, you might know what I'm talking about if you saw the anime

20 year old Karin looked out of the window of her class. It was raining heavily outside. And she didn't even bring an umbrella with her this morning when she left her dorm.

Yuzu would definitely be mad when she got back to their dorm, all soaked because she forgot to bring the umbrella with her. Then make her hot chocolate and prepare a hot bath for her so she wouldn't get cold. 

Karin sighed and went back to the lecture that she wasn't even paying attention to in the first place. She wasn't really in the mood for anything at this moment all because of the rain. 

She didn't even know why it bothered her so much. It was weird and it was a feeling that came out of nowhere one day. 

She knew that her brother hated the rain because their mother died while it was raining. But what about her? She wasn't even there and this never bothered her when she was younger.

Sometimes when she was alone in her dorm room, she would find herself crying while looking at the rain. She could never understand why. 

“Karin, is there something wrong?” her friend sitting right beside her asked as Karin shook her head to clear her mind.

“I'm fine, it's just the rain is kinda bothering me again” Karin replied. 

“Oh, I'll lend you my note later.” Her friend knew about her weird “condition” so she always let Karin borrow her notes, as they shared most of the classes anyways. 

* * *

Inside the campus, on top of another building stood a figure, dressed in shihakusho and haori. 

Toshiro just stood there ignoring the heavy rain, watching her sitting in that classroom, he was soaked from head to toe, but he didn't care, nothing was worse than the pain and regret he felt every single day. 

Today would have been their anniversary, if only she remembered everything. 4 years, it has been 4 years since she lost all her memories about soul society, shinigamis, memories about him. And most importantly, memories about them, about their happy moments, sad moments, all their struggles. 

Toshiro always told himself that maybe it was the best for her, because the day they parted was painful, traumatic for her. It was for him too, but he was made to endure this type of cruelty. Or so he kept telling himself. 

“All I hope is that you are happy now Karin” he mumbled before disappearing in the wind. 

I _ wish things were different. What would be different if only we weren't who we are? _

That day 4 years ago was raining too.

* * *

_ “Karin I'm sorry, we need to break up. They found out.” he said inside her room.  _

_ Karin looked at his face and she was shocked at how serious he looked, but after a closer look, she could see the pain behind his eyes.  _

_ He did not want to end this…  _

_ “What happened?” She asked when she gained enough courage to speak.  _

_ “They found out about us. Soifon got suspicious of my constant visit to the human world.” He didn't have to say more because she understood, and deeply she has been expecting this day. They both have been expecting this, they both knew from the very beginning that this was risky and it could get them in trouble but they still stayed together despite all the risks and dangers of their relationship. _

_ She couldn't say anything more and embraced him, of course he embraced her back. _

_ “Toshiro, can we go out for a walk?” She mumbled softly after a while. _

_ “Now? But it looks like it's about to rain at any moment.”  _

_ “I know…”  _ that way I can cry and you won't notice it.  _ Her thoughts went unsaid but somehow he could tell by how hard she was holding him. She refused to look at him.  _

_ “Let's go out, I'll wait for you outside, I'm not in a gigai” Karin nodded slowly, as Toshiro jumped off the window again Karin grabbed her jacket and walked out of the room.  _

_ “Karin, where are you going?” Yuzu asked. She was in the kitchen when she heard her sister waking to the front door.  _

_ “Out” Karin replied without stopping. _

_ "In this weather? Bring your-” Yuzu didn't even finish when Karin was already out of the house.  _

_ “Oh no, I think she went out without bringing an umbrella with her.”  _

_ “I think Karin will be fine without one, but I'll go just in case” Ichigo said after a while as he got up from the sofa. He knew exactly why Karin was going out. _

_ Ichigo knew about their relationship, and he knew the risks of it, but he still allowed it to happen because Karin was happy with him. And he couldn't really do anything about it. He knew that he could trust Toshiro. _

_ He grabbed his own jacket and walked out after his sister with an extra umbrella. _

* * *

_ “I'm sorry Karin" Toshiro mumbled sadly as they walked towards the soccer field.  _

_ She shook her head and closed her eyes for a second then she opened them again only to look in front of them. “Don't apologise. It's not your fault. It's not our fault.” _

_ “But I'm a hurting you. And I promise myself that I'd never hurt you.”  _

_ “Yes, but this isn't something you can control. The day we confessed to each other was also the day I started to prepare for this day. You and I both know this day will come.”  _

_ “You are right. Only if we…” he sighed.  _

_ Would there be anything difference if they weren't who they were meant to be? Of course… everything would be different.  _

_ “Toshiro, have you ever imagined where we'd be if we were normal?” She asked as she looked up at the sky. It was getting darker and darker, it will rain any moment now, then she could cry and let the rain wash away her tears so no one would notice her cry.  _

_ “I have” he admitted. “In fact many times. I watched the other people in your class, the other humans. And you have no idea how much I wanted to be like them… but I couldn't because as much as I want to be a normal human, living a normal human life, going to school, have fun with my friends, going out without worrying about hollows or war, or just living a normal childhood without so much responsibilities. I'll never be one, I'll always be a shinigami, a soul, someone who doesn't belong to this world.” he said. _

_ Karin sighed, as if the sky decided to pity them it started crying. It was heavy so they would be soaked in no time.  _

_ Karin grabbed his hand and sighed “it's always easier to just pretend isn't it? Pretend that everything is fine, pretend that we are normal.” She laughed bitterly. “When I was 11 I pretended hollows and ghosts weren't real and I generally thought that they didn't exist, and for a while I thought pretending we were normal would make it ok too. Now I'm 17, I can't live in that dream I created when I was 11 anymore.”  _

_ He was similar. Not in the same way but he knew that he'd soon be awoken from this nice dream and wake up to his usual miserable life of a shinigami. As a child he was an outcast, that people were afraid of. And then struggled with so much getting to where he was, sacrificing his youth, his childhood, his freedom.  _

_ Sure he took a lot of pride in his title as captain, because he worked hard for it, not because he actually wanted to be one.  _

_ He never wanted to be a shinigami in the first place, because even though he never admitted it to anyone, he used to hate shinigamis, he has always hated shinigamis. Momo left him all alone because she went to the shinigami school. Momo stopped being who she used to be because she became a shinigami, she was manipulated, and almost dead because of a shinigami.  _

_ He only became a shinigami because otherwise he'd kill his grandmother, the only other person that cared about him when others never bothered to care about his feelings.  _

_ “I know what you mean. But it's finally time to wake up huh?” He asked rhetorically _

_ They set down on the ground at the soccer field, it was muddy, but at that moment neither of them cared about it.  _

_ She decided to sit close to him and he wrapped one of his arms around her. This was going to be their last time being this close, so might as well take advantage of it.  _

_ “Toshiro, I love you” she whispered softly. He smiled softly. Sure… he hated being a shinigami, but if he hadn't then he'd never meet Karin and he'd never feel so loved by someone. He remembered crying the first time Karin said those 3 words to him as she held him close to her. It was an emotion that he had never felt in his life.  _

_ “I lov-” before he could whisper the words back, his body tensed. Behind them a gate opened and 3 people walked out from the gate.  _

_ They quickly separated and turned around to face the 3 people. There stood Soifon, Byakuya and Rukia. The captains of the 2nd, and 6th were looking really serious but Rukia was looking at them sadly. She was standing behind the older Captains. _

_ “What is the meaning of this Hitsugaya? The head captain only gave you permission to say goodbye to this human. Yet here you are talking to her as if nothing is wrong.” Soifon said coldly.  _

_ Toshiro got up and shielded Karin from her. “Soifon, I was saying my goodbyes to her.” _

_ “Captain Hitsugaya, please don't make this harder” Rukia begged, she knew how hard this was for both of them, but she knew that it would be harder if Toshiro didn't agree to go back to them. With Byakuya and Soifon there they'd only use force. _

_ “Rukia, I just want a little bit more time. There is something I want to tell him.” Karin begged. She didn't like this one bit.  _

_ “Karin… please Kuchiki, I have something to say as well” Toshiro tried. He was about to grab his zanpakuto in case they attack Karin.  _

_ “Enough” Soifon's men were fast as they surrounded them. Toshiro quickly pushed Karin away.  _

_ “No Toshiro!"  _

_ Toshiro's eyes widened when he remembered how Kusaka was killed. He saw the stealth members surrounding Karin as she tried to get to him.  _

_ “Do not resist Hitsugaya.” Byakuya warned.  _

_ “Leave her alone!” He was about to pull out his zanpakuto when he felt a sudden pain in his stomach. He coughed out blood, slowly looking down, he saw that he was stabbed many times by the stealth members.  _

_ Toshiro lost consciousness and the last thing he heard was Karin screaming his name. _

* * *

_ Ichigo was on his way to where he felt his sister's reiatsu when he felt someone else arrive. He tensed and he knew that something was wrong. He quickly swallowed a mod soul and arrived at the scene as fast as he could.  _

_ Only he was too late when he found his sister crying on her knees. _

_ “Karin…” her hands were touching the ground, it was covered in blood “what happened?” when he saw her bloody hands, he knew that they must have taken Toshiro by force.  _

_ Karin didn't say anything, she didn't even look up at him.  _

_ He placed a hand on her shoulder and he could feel her shivering.  _

_ “They killed him.” she mumbled, barely audible. “They killed him, Ichi-nii.” she repeated, louder this time.  _

_ When Karin looked up at him he saw the emptiness in her eyes. “This is his blood” she looked at her hands.  _

_ “Karin, calm down…” Ichigo hugged his sister but she didn't seem to even realize what he was saying.  _

_ “They killed him, it was my fault. They killed him” Karin cried  _

_ “Shh, Karin, no it's not your fault, and I'm sure Toshiro is not dead”  _

_ “He coughed out blood, they stabbed him…”  _

_ When Ichigo looked down at his sister, he realised that she had fainted.  _

_ Naturally he brought her home.  _

* * *

_ “What the fuck happened?” Ichigo yelled when he saw Rukia at the front door of the clinic. He invited her in and they talked about what happened. _

_ Karin was still unconscious on her bed, she was suffering a high fever and Yuzu was taking care of her.  _

_ “I'm sorry Ichigo… captain Hitsugaya was not coming back and captain Soifon lost her patience.” The newly named 13th captain explained.  _

_ Ichigo sighed “is he... ok?”  _

_ “He's alive, yes. The 4th did their best healing him, but I'm afraid he wouldn't really be ok, you know? What… about Karin?” She hesitantly asked.  _

_ “She… I'm not sure if she'll be ok. When I found her she was crying her heart out, she thought that Toshiro is dead and she was blaming herself. Now she has a high fever”  _

_ Rukia legitimately looked concerned. “You need to tell her that he's alive.” _

_ “Would she listen? I told her that Toshiro wouldn't die so easily.” He slapped the table hard, breaking the glass. The water spread everywhere, while he'd have to clean that up later, at that moment he was too angry to care about the broken glass. _

_ “Dammit! I should have been there earlier and maybe I'd have prevented this”  _

_ “Ichigo, please don't blame yourself. You couldn't have done anything. The central 46 was angry… and no one could have prevented this. Yes it is unfair, they are both young and innocent… but the soul society…” Rukia whispered. Her eyes focused on the cup she was holding with both her hands.  _

_ “I'm not going to forgive them if something happens to Karin because of this.” Ichigo declared _

* * *

_ And truth to Ichigo's words. He did storm into the soul society like a madman the week after that “incident” _

_ Karin never really recovered from the trauma. Her fever had died down, but she wasn't the same anymore. Of course they had told her that Toshiro was alive, but she never listened to them. Sometimes she'd wake up in the middle of the night crying because she had a nightmare of what happened. In those nightmares she saw Toshiro dying in her arms, and saw him covered in blood. _

_ It got so bad that Yuzu decided to sleep on her sister's bed so she could sleep a little better.  _

_ When she isn't having nightmares she keeps staring into space mumbling things such as “I killed him” “it's all my fault. If I wasn't so careless, he'd never have to stop my ball and we'd never met” “if we have never met… he'd be alive now” her eyes completely lifeless. _

_ “Ichigo-kun, I understand why you are angry.” head captain Kyoraku sighed.  _

_ “Just give Karin back”  _

_ “There is something that the central 46 has decided. And that is to wipe all your sister's memories about shinigamis and soul society. That includes Hitsugaya-kun. Then seal off her reryoku so those memories won't resurface.” he explained sadly. _

_ Ichigo's eyes widened “what about Toshiro?”  _

_ “As punishment, he shall be the one to do so” _

_ “Dammit! Why are they doing this? Can't they see that both of them are already suffering enough? Now they want Toshiro to wipe the memories of the woman he loves?”  _

_ The brown haired man sighed again “they are afraid that this will turn into another case of Shiba Isshin. You see Ichigo-kun, after the war the Seireitei is extremely fragile. Hitsugaya-kun just happens to be one of the most powerful sources we have right now.”  _

_ “Really? And you think torturing him emotionally will make the Seireitei strong? That's bullshit and you know it!”  _

_ Before the head captain could say anything else another figure entered the room. “It's alright Kurosaki, I'm willing to do it. As long as it means Karin can be her old self again.” Toshiro entered the room. _

_ “Toshiro…” Ichigo noticed that he didn't look any better, there was that distant look on his face too, he was still serious and acted like nothing was wrong but there was no longer life in his teal eyes.  _

_ “Ah… so Hitsugaya-kun has been listening to our little exchange. I'm really sorry" the older man looked sadly at the young man before him. He felt bad for him, he really did. But… they were warriors and orders were orders.  _

_ “It's fine, I'll do it. When shall I leave for this mission?”  _

_ “Toshiro, you…” if Ichigo ever doubted his sister's relationship with the white haired captain, it was all gone. He was willing to go through so much pain just to make sure Karin would be happy again.  _

* * *

_ When Toshiro arrived at their house later that night, his cold expression melted down, replaced by a sad one, when he saw Karin's current state.  _

_ “I'm sorry Kurosaki… it's all my fault that she's in this state now” he said.  _

_ “No, it's not your fault. If there is anyone to blame. Blame the central 46.” Ichigo assured him.  _

_ “But, I should have stopped this relationship as soon as I could. But I couldn't… I was so absorbed in that dream to wake up, I never even thought about the consequences that wouldn't come with it. I'm pretty sure I deserved this” he said bitterly. Before Ichigo could say anything else Toshiro had already walked into the room where Karin was. She was staring into nothing again.  _

_ Ichigo walked away to give them a bit more privacy.  _

_ “Karin…” he whispered.  _

_ When Karin turned around, she started laughing hysterically “Now I'm sure I have gone insane, I'm seeing Toshiro again. Why are they doing this to me? He's dead!” she got out of her bed only to fell down on the floor again. _

_ Toshiro quickly kneeled down in front of her “Karin, I'm not dead. Look at me” he said _

_ Karin looked up and stared into his eyes. “Toshiro”  _

_ “I'm here” he spread his arms and welcomed her in. She gladly took his invitation and embraced him.  _

_ “How can you be here?” She asked weakly. “You shouldn't be here, they will kill you!”  _

_ “it's ok… I came to see you one last time.” He whispered. _

_ “Are you allowed to kiss me?” she asked.  _

_ And he did just that, he brought her face close and kissed her with all the emotions he felt right there.  _

_ Karin could tell something was wrong as this didn't feel like the other kisses that they shared. She wanted to separate and ask what's wrong when Toshiro didn't let her go.  _

_ “Please, let's stay like this for a bit more” he whispered against her lips.  _

_ When she touched his face and realised that he was crying, she finally understood that this was a goodbye kiss, Toshiro couldn't stay.  _

_ “I love you” she kissed him this time.  _

_ He wanted to stay like this forever, he wanted it so much. He looked at the device in his hand given by the 12th.  _

_ “I'm sorry Karin… but this is for the best” he said softly. _

_ “What do y-” her question was cut off as he used the device on her and she fell unconscious in his arms.  _

_ He stood up and brought her to her bed again. He placed a small tattoo on the right side of her neck, that was the seal. It will be broken once she dies.  _

_ “I love you too, always will. Goodbye Karin" he left a kiss on her forehead then left the room after cleaning up his tears.  _

_ When he walked into the living room to say his final goodbye he saw the remaining Kurosaki members there. They all realised that he had been crying despite all his efforts to mask that. They just said nothing about it. _

_ “I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused. ” he said sincerely _

_ “No, you don't have to apologise” Isshin was the first one to speak. “You'll always be a second son to me. You know that you'll always be welcomed here”  _

_ He nodded “I know, but I'm not sure if I'll ever come back”  _ he wasn't even sure if he will ever be allowed ever in Karakura again.

_ Isshin nodded giving the boy a hug, not one of his silly attempts, but an actual embrace and for once Toshiro did not complain and push him away.  _

_ “Maybe it really is for the best” Isshin said soon after Toshiro left.  _

_ Both Yuzu, who already knew about their family secrets, and Ichigo were shocked at how serious their father was.  _

_ “What do you mean?” Yuzu asked. “Hitsugaya-kun is suffering so much” she cried.  _

_ “They are both alive right now. They didn't end up like your mother and I. Truth is… even though Masaki didn't die because of the soul society, I still blamed myself everyday for what happened. I imagined a world where we never met, I might have died, but at least she'd still be alive.” he said, the Kurosaki children really weren't expecting this side of their father. They always thought that he was goofy and immature. _

_ “Dad…” Yuzu cried.  _

* * *

Karin felt like something was looking at her, but it didn't really feel that bad, in fact it was oddly comforting during this raining day. It kinda gave her the courage to go back to her class and concentrate on that instead of the oddly emptiness she felt in her heart. It was just so weird and she couldn't explain it…

And if something was missing, she just couldn't get what. When she looked out of the window as if the rain could answer all her questions, she could have swore she saw something black and white flash before her eyes.

_ What is wrong with me? _

  
  



End file.
